American McGee Pie
by magus54
Summary: American McGee's Alice parody for Don McLean's American Pie. Contains spoilers. I suggest reading (singing) it with a midi of American Pie. Enjoy.


American McGee Pie

A long, long time ago   
Alice can still remember   
Wonderland before the strife.   
With will to learn and curiosity   
Page after page of her fantasy   
Worlds beheld and characters came to life   
  
A funny world that makes her question   
The locals often in frustration   
'Coz few of them converses   
In nonsensical verses.   
  
But all answers she did find.   
For a few years everything was fine   
Until a tragedy broke that line.   
The day her parents died.   
  
Oh my, my!   
This here Alice did cry.   
When her place   
Went ablaze   
All she could do was try.   
She escaped the house   
And stared with horrified eyes   
Shouting, "Mom and Dad, the fire's growing high   
Escape the house or else you'll die!"   
  
Did you know that she spent a year   
At Rutledge Asylum living in fear   
Of spending her life alone?   
She followed Rabbit through the hole   
And Cheshire Cat's grin did console   
Though decayed and twisted Wonderland has grown.   
  
Well she discovered that trouble's abrew.   
The people needed assistance or two.   
She said, "Don't you all feel blue.   
Yes, I'll slay the Queen* for you!"   
  
  
With her vorpal blade she unleashed her rage.   
For her foes damnation she went on rampage.   
A full-scale war she was willing to wage.   
Revenge cannot be denied.   
She started screaming...   
  
Die! Die!   
All you boojums will fry.   
Beware, Card Guards   
For the slave dwarves   
I will bleed you dry.   
And as for others quickly give your reply.   
I ask you: Where do you think your loyalties lie?   
Serve the Queen and I swear you'll die!   
  
So a potion shrunk her down to size.   
To follow Rabbit it should suffice   
Though food for insects she could be.   
Oh, Mock Turtle wanted back his shell   
So she sent the Duchess straight to hell   
And caught up with Rabbit finally.   
  
A happy reunion she did not feel   
'Coz Hatter crushed Rabbit with his heel.   
Oh, Alice was sad, it's true.   
"Caterpillar! What should I do?"   
  
He said, "Save yourself and you'll save us all.   
This can only be done with the Queen's downfall.   
But first you must again be tall.   
Go to where the Centipede hides.   
And you must kill him!"   
  
Bye, bye!   
Mr. Centipede guy.   
Spare me the trouble   
On the double   
So just curl up and die!   
I have no time and want that toadstool pie.   
I promise one of us will brutally fry.   
I swear to you that it won't be I.   
  
So Alice was back to her norm again.   
And the search for the Eyestaff parts began.   
The road to Pale Realm she must tread.   
Oh, checkmate was attained indeed.   
Red King's defeat meant the Realm was freed.   
But not before the White Queen lost her head.   
  
No worries there 'coz she brought a pawn.   
On the eighth square the White Queen respawned.   
But Hatter appeared on the scene.   
The Mirror Maze he had Alice shut in!   
  
She met the Tweedles whom she truly despised.   
And Cat said, "Against them you must use their size."   
That's one very useful advice.   
Until they multiplied!   
She started singing...   
  
Why, why?   
Must you two defy?   
I'll rip your guts out   
Ugly fat louts.   
This I testify.   
My patience is low and yet my anger is high.   
Tell me: How would you prefer to die?   
I'll get the Hatter by and by.   
  
The next on her list was the murderer--   
The time-obsessive Madhatter.   
Vengeance was close at hand.   
"So come on: Jacks o'Death show him your tricks!"   
Jackbomb-tossing made his death real quick.   
And now the Gryphon was under her command.   
  
The Oracle urged: she must not postpone.   
The Jabberwock she must face alone.   
She said, "I do not fear death.   
I will fight till my very last breath!"   
  
So Alice stood before the Jabberwock's might   
And as the conflict was to reach its height   
The Gryphon appeared to stop the fight.   
The 'Wock's eye out he pried.   
They started singing...   
  
Fly! Fly!   
We have the Jabberwock's eye.   
To the Queen's Gate,   
Musn't be late.   
Gather all our allies.   
I've journeyed far and now the end game draws nigh.   
Who thinks victory's a pie in the sky?**   
Now the battle intensifies.   
  
So she made it through the Gate   
To face the Evil-incarnate   
Onto the bloodied castleway.   
She fought the Red Queen fearlessly.   
The battle was long but eventually   
Noble Alice slew the Queen and saved the day.   
  
And in the end White Pieces fought   
Joining Alice in the onslaught.   
The Jabberwock was toasted.   
The Card Guards were all roasted.   
  
For the three friends who helped her the most.   
The Griffon, Rabbit and Cat -- a toast!   
Now she's cured and her case is closed.   
She's sane again inside.   
  
Oh my, my!   
It's Wonderland's blue sky!   
You are free now.   
Made it somehow.   
This I certify.   
I'm back in the world where logic now applies   
Hoping this will help revivify.   
Happy endings make me cry.   
  
Bye bye!   
Wonderland, goodbye.   
We'll see each other   
Someday later.   
There's no reason to cry.   
If you need me again, I'll be sure to drop by.   
"Thank you, Alice," Wonderland replies.   
  
~END~   
  
* Queen -- Red Queen or Queen of Hearts   
** "pie in the sky" -- something farfetched or unattainable 


End file.
